Stress Free

Don’t stress out. I do not hold stress because I am an inhuman freak. I get stressed, but I don’t have stress. I am incapable of holding stress. I’m like a spring. Stress tries to put me down but I just bounce it off.

Today, I shall teach you the secrets to being stress free. It’s simple and anyone can do it.

Step 1: Relinquish all worldly possessions. Your house and everything in it is no longer yours.
Step 2: Hey! Look at all this neat stuff just laying around all over that’s not yours yet you’re free to use!
Step 3: Proceed to use said neat stuff for purposes other than they were intended for. Say hello to your new bed made of of various chairs put together.
Step 4: Open the front door, step outside, and realize the world is a dirty, filthy, greedy, evily, money mongering place, then come back here and realize that the internet will never hurt you, and as long as you have it, you will never murder people.
Step 5: Ignore a daily chore. I’ve become so good at this that I can ignore EVERY daily chore for at least a few days before I feel like I have to do em.
Step 6: Pick 3 meals, and just eat only those three meals everyday. If you get sick of them, just eat less of them. Restricting yourself to a 3 meal diet will hone your body’s metabolism to be able to process these foods super efficiently which in turn gives your body more time to feel good.
Step 7: Wake up whenever you want. Late for work? Sucks for them. It just goes to show that impatience leads to stress. If they couldn’t function without you, then you deserve a raise.
Step 8: Study any animal you find. Animals are far superior at stress management than humans. This is because of how their society functions. Anyone stressed gets eaten, and everyone else gets to live freely and do whatever they want.
Step 9: If at first you don’t succeed, you fail. Try something else or find a new goal.
Step 10: There is a pressure point somewhere on your head that removes all stress. You may be wondering why this isn’t step 1. Well, that is because there are very dire consequences to pushing this pressure point which I will not disclose. You will just have to find out for yourself what they are. The point may be in a different location for each individual person, so you will just have to keep poking your head until you find it.
Good luck.